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I've never lived alone. I was married at 18 and went from living with my parents to living with Mr. B. That was almost 37 years ago.

Since Mr. B became so ill with MM, I've struggled whenever I thought about losing him. I don't know how to see myself as a single person. It scares me. And it's not that I'm afraid of being alone in my home. Mr. B's job required him to work nights every two weeks so I was used to sleeping alone. But that didn't bother me because I knew he would be finished with that in two weeks.

I'm afraid of having to redefine myself as a single person. Having to go to social events alone. Or going shopping alone. Or even going out to eat alone. I'm afraid that I will start to withdraw because it will just be less uncomfortable to just stay home instead of facing my fears and going out.

Today on Facebook one or my friends shared this video. It's called, "How To Be Alone". It really spoke to my heart and encouraged me to face my fears. Please take the time to watch it. You won't be sorry.

Willa
7/8/2012 07:30:47 am

Thank you for sharing this video. I've been thinking alot about being alone this week. I never had a problem in the past when Dave was deployed or on course (he's in the Air Force) but as you say, I knew he would be back so it wasn't the same. Dave has an influenza virus and has been in bad shape. The doctor today asked about our plan for palliative care (at home or in a palliative care home). I guess I'm really not ready for that discussion. I still hold hope that he will improve given that he just started on thalidimide and it's too soon to tell if it will give any results. The whole thing started me thinking about what I will do without him and what being alone looks like. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day. It's been hard to stay positive this week. Hope your week is better.

Willa

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Shelley
7/8/2012 02:37:45 pm

Oh Willa, my heart goes out to you. The last time my husband was in the hospital I was concerned that they doctors would suggest it was time for palliative care. I finally had to corner them to get an answer so that I could quiet my fears.

I'm not ready for that discussion either but I know that it will come one day. And I'm afraid that it could be sooner than I would like it to be. Mr. B is not doing very well. On his treatment day I see a little of the spark come back into his life, likely due to the Dex. But he crashes very quickly and spends about 75% of each day in bed sleeping. I'm sure that his hemoglobin has dropped again even though he had a blood transfusion last Tuesday. It scares me to think he might need them weekly now. :-(

Thank you for sharing about you and Dave. It helps me to know that there is someone who understands what I'm going through.

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Willa
7/25/2012 06:50:30 am

I hope Mr B is doing better. I know what weekly transfusions look like as we are at that point. Today they told us that there was nothing more they could do for Dave. His kidneys are failing and he still has pneumonia. The doctor has said that he has maybe 2 months. While we knew that this day would come, neither of us thought it would be so soon. It was so hard to hear. I'm heartbroken. Thankfully, he isn't in any pain.
I pray that you and Mr B have better news than we do.

Shelley
7/25/2012 03:25:49 pm

I'm so sorry Willa. I know how hard this must be on you because I'm experiencing the same thing. Although the doctors have not given up on Daryl yet, I'm still realistic to know that things are not looking good. But I think we need to keep hoping for a miracle. We can't give up even if the circumstances look very bad.

You and Dave are in my prayers.

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mary
7/14/2012 09:30:45 am

I was afraid to watch, but I'm glad I did. I've always been comfortable being alone, but the kind of alone we're facing is a different kind entirely.

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Shelley
7/14/2012 03:51:06 pm

Yes, Mary. It is a totally different kind of alone that we are facing. And those of us with partners that have aggressive MM know that we could be seeing it far sooner than we were prepared for. It sucks. :-(

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