Last fall I had a dream. Or maybe I should say that I had a nightmare. It really upset me. In the dream I was filling out a form. When I came to the section for "marital status" I checked the box for "widow". When I woke up I was extremely upset and I think it was because that word had never entered my mind up to that point. I don't think that I wanted to believe that Mr. B would pass away. Even though he had been very sick since his diagnosis on January 31, 2012 I was still very hopeful that the treatments would work for him as they have worked for many others with this cancer.
I don't like this new title. I don't like being alone. Each day I hate going to bed and I hate getting up. These are the worst times for me because I'm so aware of being alone. During the day I can usually keep my mind on other things but in the quiet of the night and early morning the silence is magnified. On June 5, it will be 2 months since Mr. B passed away. It feels like a lot more time has passed since he died. My heart still doesn't want to accept that he is gone and there are times when I still break down sobbing. I've heard grief described as the ebb and flow of the ocean. Sometimes it is gentle and other times the waves come crashing down. You never know when those times will come. Thankfully they have come for me when I've been at home and don't embarrass myself by sobbing uncontrollably in public. Or maybe I've just pushed it down when it threatens it's ugly head in public. Then when I'm in the privacy of my home I can let the tears fall.
I've recently been looking for "Godwinks". If you have never heard about Godwinks I encourage you to read one of the books written by SQuire Rushnell. Here is a description from his website:
WHAT'S A GODWINK?
A godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"
What do godwinks mean? Think about when you were a kid and someone you loved gave you a little wink across the dining room table...Mom or Dad or Grandma. You didn't say "What do you mean by that?" You knew. It meant: "Hey kid, I'm thinking about you right now." That's what a godwink is too: a message of reassurance from above, directly to you, out of six billion people on the planet, saying "Hey kid...I'm thinking of you! Keep the faith! You're never alone."
When a loved one passes away and you are finding the grieving process difficult you sometimes look for little signs that they are ok or that they are watching over you. It might be a very small thing like on Thursday I saw the first hummingbird at my feeder. I was overjoyed to see it and then immediately started to cry because I remembered how Mr. B and I would watch them together. But they were happy tears because it felt like he was part of the hummingbird and was saying that everything was going to be ok. I believe that this was a Godwink. :-)
And last Wednesday a dear friend took me to see an eagle's nest. We had been there the day after Mr. B's funeral service and knew that the female eagle was sitting in the nest. We were pretty sure that she had some eggs. On Wednesday we saw that there were two babies. My heart was filled with joy as I knew Mr. B would have been so excited to see them. I took a few pictures and most turned out pretty blurry since we were quite a distance from the nest. These pictures are cropped to better show the babies.
There truly is nothing more beautiful than seeing an animal in it's natural habitant. The mama eagle did not seem concerned about us being there in the least. She knew we were far from the nest and were no danger to her babies. But the location will be my secret so that she can continue to raise her babies in a stress free environment.
Fly free like the eagles, Mr. B!
So I am a widow. I have a new title. Today I called Revenue Canada to inform them of Mr. B's death. I explained why I was calling and the woman on the other end of the phone proceeded to ask me some questions to make sure that I was who I said I was. It was the typical stuff like name, address, birthdate.....marital status.....yep...she asked me what my marital status was. And what was even funnier was when she realized that she had asked me that question and answered it herself. She was very apologetic. I had to admit, it did break up a very somber moment. *g*
It seems like months, not days since Mr. B passed away. On Friday it will be two weeks. I was hoping that as each day passed it would get a little easier but it doesn't. If anything it has gotten harder. Last week I was mostly in shock and as that shock wore off it was replaced with anxiety about the funeral service on Saturday. I was absolutely dreading it! I knew it would be emotional and it was. I cried so much. At the end of the service, the funeral director asked everyone to file by the front pew were all of the family were seated to offer their condolences. I hugged many of them and cried each time. There were approximately 150 people that attended the service. So many of them were co-workers of Mr. B from his current workplace and from his previous workplace. Although I did not know their faces, I did recognize their names as Mr. B spoke of them often to me. It touched me so much to see how respected and loved he was by others. Mr. B was cremated so I have his ashes at home now. My plan was to have the urn buried in a cemetery plot this summer. But I'm having a hard time thinking about that right now. Yes, it's true. I've become one of THEM. You know who I mean. Those crazy widowed ladies that keep their husbands on the mantle forever. I'm finding such comfort in having his remains close by. The urn that I chose is so beautiful and represents Mr. B so much. I will try to post a photo of it. Hopefully I don't gross anyone out. :-)
I feel such an emptiness inside of me since Mr. B passed away. It's like part of me is missing. I can't seem to focus on anything, not even watching TV. I find that having the TV on is just noise to me so most of the time I have it turned off. I'm better if I'm away from home running errands but when I'm back at home and looking at all of his things, I start crying pretty quickly. I'm taking it very slow in regards to disposing of Mr. B's things. I know that his clothes will be the last to go. For now they bring me comfort. I see them each day when I get dressed in the morning. I know I won't be able to handle the big empty space in the closet once they are gone so I want to make sure I'm ready before I take them out. Every thing of Mr. B's that I take from our home has left me feeling more empty. The first things I wanted to have taken out were the things that reminded me of him being sick like the hospital bed and his wheelchair. I still have to tackle his bathroom. There's a few things there that were to help him like the special toilet seat, the tub bar and the shower chair. I will deal with them, but so far I've not wanted to spend much time in that bathroom. Too many bad memories for me there.
Its funny how some of the smallest things will make me cry. In our home we often purchased jujubes candies as a treat. Mr. B and I both really liked them. Mr. B really liked the green ones which made me really happy since they were my least favourite. So as I passed the candy dish the other day I thought to myself, "Who is going to eat the green ones now?". Silly, I know but it did make me cry. I feel like I've lost my protector. :-(
Here are the three songs that were played at Mr. B's funeral service.
This song was played at our wedding on October 10, 1075, Time In A Bottle by Jim Croce.
This song was suggested by a close friend. At first I resisted using it because I knew it would be very emotional for me to hear it. I cried the very first time I heard this song even before Mr. B passed away. But I knew that it was perfect for the service so I went with my heart and used it. I know it touched many people at the service and even though I had to restrain myself from sobbing uncontrollably, I feel really good that I persisted and played it.
The last song was Mr. B's favourite. I never really liked it but since this service was about him, I knew there was no other song that I could pick. Plus it was a really good way to end the service on a happy note. Rest in peace, Mr. B.