Last fall I had a dream. Or maybe I should say that I had a nightmare. It really upset me. In the dream I was filling out a form. When I came to the section for "marital status" I checked the box for "widow". When I woke up I was extremely upset and I think it was because that word had never entered my mind up to that point. I don't think that I wanted to believe that Mr. B would pass away. Even though he had been very sick since his diagnosis on January 31, 2012 I was still very hopeful that the treatments would work for him as they have worked for many others with this cancer.

I don't like this new title. I don't like being alone. Each day I hate going to bed and I hate getting up. These are the worst times for me because I'm so aware of being alone. During the day I can usually keep my mind on other things but in the quiet of the night and early morning the silence is magnified. On June 5, it will be 2 months since Mr. B passed away. It feels like a lot more time has passed since he died. My heart still doesn't want to accept that he is gone and there are times when I still break down sobbing. I've heard grief described as the ebb and flow of the ocean. Sometimes it is gentle and other times the waves come crashing down. You never know when those times will come. Thankfully they have come for me when I've been at home and don't embarrass myself by sobbing uncontrollably in public. Or maybe I've just pushed it down when it threatens it's ugly head in public. Then when I'm in the privacy of my home I can let the tears fall.

I've recently been looking for "Godwinks". If you have never heard about Godwinks I encourage you to read one of the books written by SQuire Rushnell. Here is a description from his website:

A godwink is what some people would call a coincidence, an answered prayer, or simply an experience where you'd say, "Wow, what are the odds of that!"

What do godwinks mean?  Think about when you were a kid and someone you loved gave you a little wink across the dining room table...Mom or Dad or Grandma. You didn't say "What do you mean by that?" You knew.  It meant: "Hey kid, I'm thinking about you right now." That's what a godwink is too: a message of reassurance from above, directly to you, out of six billion people on the planet, saying "Hey kid...I'm thinking of you! Keep the faith! You're never alone."

When a loved one passes away and you are finding the grieving process difficult you sometimes look for little signs that they are ok or that they are watching over you. It might be a very small thing like on Thursday I saw the first hummingbird at my feeder. I was overjoyed to see it and then immediately started to cry because I remembered how Mr. B and I would watch them together. But they were happy tears because it felt like he was part of the hummingbird and was saying that everything was going to be ok. I believe that this was a Godwink. :-)

And last Wednesday a dear friend took me to see an eagle's nest. We had been there the day after Mr. B's funeral service and knew that the female eagle was sitting in the nest. We were pretty sure that she had some eggs. On Wednesday we saw that there were two babies. My heart was filled with joy as I knew Mr. B would have been so excited to see them. I took a few pictures and most turned out pretty blurry since we were quite a distance from the nest. These pictures are cropped to better show the babies.
There truly is nothing more beautiful than seeing an animal in it's natural habitant. The mama eagle did not seem concerned about us being there in the least. She knew we were far from the nest and were no danger to her babies. But the location will be my secret so that she can continue to raise her babies in a stress free environment.

Fly free like the eagles, Mr. B!

So I am a widow. I have a new title. Today I called Revenue Canada to inform them of Mr. B's death. I explained why I was calling and the woman on the other end of the phone proceeded to ask me some questions to make sure that I was who I said I was. It was the typical stuff like name, address, birthdate.....marital status.....yep...she asked me what my marital status was. And what was even funnier was when she realized that she had asked me that question and answered it herself. She was very apologetic. I had to admit, it did break up a very somber moment. *g*
6/4/2013 04:26:50 am

Thank you for your honesty. None of us as caregivers want to even imagine the day we might be classified as a "widow". I am glad you saw a few "godwinks" to remind you of Mr. B! May the little things continue to give you strength to keep getting up and taking steps.

6/8/2013 03:48:40 pm

Thanks Linda. I'm learning that you need to be easy on yourself when you are grieving. It's hard to do even the smallest thing. I lose focus easy and find I'm not interested in doing many of the things I found enjoyment in before. So I'm happy if I can manage to get even one task accomplished each day. :-)

7/31/2013 04:00:42 pm

Godwinks... I like that explanation. And I know that Mr. B's loving energy is beaming out to you when you see the hummingbirds or other creatures he loved, as a reminder that love doesn't die, only the physical body does. Sending you some hugs from across the miles...

8/6/2013 11:07:15 am

Thank you, Sandy. I still look for those special moments. I seem to miss Mr. B more and more every day. I know that it will eventually get easier but right now it still feels very raw.

Yesterday was the 4 month anniversary of his death. It seems like it has been so much longer. I guess that shows just how much each day drags. :-(


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