Today as I was with Mr. B at the hospital, I looked out side and saw the many people that were hurrying down the street. People with purposes that took them to other places. People with every day things to do. I looked out and wanted to shout at them. "How can you go on as if nothing is happening? Can't you see that I'm dying inside? Can't you see that I'm hurting and in such emotional pain that I want to crawl into my bed and never get out?" But the sad truth is that their lives are going on. The world is going on while my world is falling apart. I try so hard to be strong each day while I am at the hospital. I need to do as much as I can to encourage him. Even if it's just to help him to the bathroom or get him some ice water to drink. Today was a bad day for Mr. B. He was in more pain then the day before and wouldn't ask for more pain killers even though I encouraged him to. It's almost like he wants to suffer right now and it is tearing my heart out. He gets very emotional when I leave each night. I know that he's scared and angry and depressed. I wish that I could take this cancer from him and give it to myself. It would be easier for me if I had it instead of seeing him suffer.

I'm not sure when he will be released from the hospital but it likely won't be until we have a meeting with Homecare. I've asked them to provide a hospital bed and a wheelchair for Mr. B to make his life better when he comes home. His bones are becoming very fragile and brittle. Part of his pain right now is because two of his ribs were fractured when the paramedics moved him from our couch to the stretcher. Plus his back pain is getting worse too. I worry that I won't be able to control his pain at home. I worry that one of his bones will fracture just by walking. I worry that I will loose him far quicker than I ever imagined I would loose him. The worrying just never seems to end.

I am so angry at this cancer. Why did Mr. B have to get such an aggressive form of MM? There are so many other patients that have lived years and years with this cancer. I'm finding it hard to go to some of my favorite support websites. I see people who are doing so well with this cancer and it's hard not to be resentful. I should be happy for them but right now I can't share in their joy. 

But life does go on. The circle of life will be completed. It is out of our
6/15/2012 11:50:32 pm

Dear Shelley -- It is a very hard road you are on now... as if you were walking it in bare feet with sharp stones. I am so sorry that Mr. B is not doing well and that he drew the short straw when it came to MM. It is not a fair disease, it is not fair that you and he are dealing with it, and it is not fair that his medical team is not giving you more support right now.

It is one of the other tragedies about this disease - or any other that puts someone in hospital - that it takes you out of the flow of life in general, isolating you from hope. I don't have any easy answers for how you get back to that place right now. Do what you need to do for you, but just know that the MM support group is there and that people in it may be dealing with an equally devastating situation and need your words - angry or not. Don't further isolate yourself now...

Intending that my words are some comfort to you...

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Shelley
6/16/2012 02:06:58 am

Thanks Sandy. I really appreciate your comments.

And I should say that I'm really not an angry person. When I say that I'm angry, most people would laugh because they know It's not an emotion that I give in to very easily. I tend to cry first.

And yes, your words do give me comfort. I wish that I could offer comfort to others right now that are going through this same journey. I know that the day will come when I can do that again. I just hope I'm not scaring people away from my blog because I'm being such a debbie downer. :-(

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