I started writing this blog to share my journey. To have a safe place to unload when I was feeling sad or lonely or overwhelmed. And it's funny, but during the day I do pretty well, but late at night when I'm on the computer, then the tears start. I let myself think about the uncertainty of the future, where the money will come to pay for Mr. B's medications, how will I cope as his health gets worse...plus many more things. I know these same things weigh heavy on Mr. B's mind too. Last night he was the one crying about the cost of his blood thinner and I was the one encouraging him not to think about it right now. I said that we would find a way to pay for it and that it was necessary for him to live right now. Without the heparin, he could easily die from blood clots. I'm just thankful that the medication is helping him to feel better. My hope is that he can return to a better quality of life soon or at least start to do some of the things he enjoyed doing like taking his "grand dog" out for a daily walk. No, we don't own a dog, but our daughter does and Mr. B used to stop over at noon and take her out for a walk while "mom and dad" were at work. She's the sweetest dog and she has a way of making you feel good. I know that it would be so good for him to be able to take her for walks again.
And so I will need to make some hard decisions in the next month or so. It could mean that I will need to start looking for a full time job again to help pay for the medication. But I don't want Mr. B to get wind of that. I know how much it will upset him that I'm thinking of going back to work. He will feel responsible and I don't want that to happen.
When I was looking for a photo to attach to this blog, I did a search for pictures of rain to describe how I was feeling. And yet the picture I picked was this one and it didn't make me feel sad, but rather made me feel good inside. Crazy, huh?