I feel such an emptiness inside of me since Mr. B passed away. It's like part of me is missing. I can't seem to focus on anything, not even watching TV. I find that having the TV on is just noise to me so most of the time I have it turned off. I'm better if I'm away from home running errands but when I'm back at home and looking at all of his things, I start crying pretty quickly. I'm taking it very slow in regards to disposing of Mr. B's things. I know that his clothes will be the last to go. For now they bring me comfort. I see them each day when I get dressed in the morning. I know I won't be able to handle the big empty space in the closet once they are gone so I want to make sure I'm ready before I take them out. Every thing of Mr. B's that I take from our home has left me feeling more empty. The first things I wanted to have taken out were the things that reminded me of him being sick like the hospital bed and his wheelchair. I still have to tackle his bathroom. There's a few things there that were to help him like the special toilet seat, the tub bar and the shower chair. I will deal with them, but so far I've not wanted to spend much time in that bathroom. Too many bad memories for me there.
Its funny how some of the smallest things will make me cry. In our home we often purchased jujubes candies as a treat. Mr. B and I both really liked them. Mr. B really liked the green ones which made me really happy since they were my least favourite. So as I passed the candy dish the other day I thought to myself, "Who is going to eat the green ones now?". Silly, I know but it did make me cry. I feel like I've lost my protector. :-(
This song was played at our wedding on October 10, 1075, Time In A Bottle by Jim Croce.
This song was suggested by a close friend. At first I resisted using it because I knew it would be very emotional for me to hear it. I cried the very first time I heard this song even before Mr. B passed away. But I knew that it was perfect for the service so I went with my heart and used it. I know it touched many people at the service and even though I had to restrain myself from sobbing uncontrollably, I feel really good that I persisted and played it.